


Verloren und gefunden

by RoboDeer



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Graphic Description of Injuries, Healing, M/M, Rescue Missions, Resurrection, Temporary Character Death, lots of crying and hand holding, mentions of torture and execution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:26:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23295475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoboDeer/pseuds/RoboDeer
Summary: This is the deepest part of the Dungeon of Penance. This is where the most dangerous criminals are held and where traitors of the Dynasty are kept, before they are sent off for execution.This is where they took his friends - The Mighty Nein.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein & Essek Thelyss
Comments: 53
Kudos: 343





	1. Verlieren

**Author's Note:**

> Set Post Ep99, some time after Travelercon. Essek continued to work as the Shadowhand since the Mighty Nein decided to let him go (for now), although Beau and Veth are still skeptical.
> 
> Spoilers for Explorer's Guide to Wildemount regarding the Bright Queen and a member from Den Thelyss, but those are only heavily implied.

It is easy gliding through the dark corridors of the Dungeon of Penance with purpose. Or at least with something that resembles it. The guards do not question why Essek is here, he is the Shadowhand after all. Essek is secretly thankful that none of the higher captains seem to be present despite their… Current “situation”.

The deeper he goes, the more the architecture inside of the dungeon changes. The typical Kryn craftsmanship of metal doors and structures starts to become more scarce, instead it is replaced by massive ancient metal constructs of the ancient _Ghor Dranas_ , which the drows did not dare to tinker with. The air down here grows cold and damp, and although Essek is used to it, he can’t bear but feel the uneasy shift as he approaches the most dangerous place in Roshona.

Essek nods to a handful of orcish guards before a door. They stand still like statues, their spears propped on the ground by their sides, years of duty printed on their still faces. They bow, step to the side and almost mechanically push open a heavy, obsidian door for Essek to glide in. 

His features are cold and emotionless as he descents a stone staircase, although his heart is hammering in his chest. He can swear he can feel it in his ears, and it is starting to become harder to keep his breathing calm.

Still, the Shadowhand keeps going. Blue arcane lights light up one by one as he passes the torches on the walls. The strange sound of dunamantic energy lingers in the air and hums through his skull. It is a strange, deep feeling, it feels like the void and soundless, but it is somehow still there. A less trained soul would perhaps not hear it, but Essek has shaped his whole life to understand this magic in ways that make it easy for him to sense it naturally.

This is the deepest part of the Dungeon of Penance. This is where the most dangerous criminals are held and where traitors of the Dynasty are kept, before they are sent off for execution. 

This is where they took his friends - The Mighty Nein.

He should have known, Essek thinks as he navigates through the endless maze of corridors, purposefully avoiding guards, having memorized their shifts beforehand. His queen had shown signs of change since some time now, her calm demeanor disrupted by sudden bursts of anger and paranoia. 

He should have known, he thinks, that his Queen would snap and start to see traitors everywhere around her. Funnily enough, she never seemed to question Essek himself though. Instead, her gaze fell on his friends - the Mighty Nein. 

The Lens did good work. They found out about the second beacon that the Assembly had found in Pride’s Call. Somehow they discovered that the Mighty Nein had known of its existence, that they consciously chose to not mention it to the queen herself. 

_Sacrilege_ , the court proclaimed. _The beacons are the religious right of the Dynasty, and such traitors should face their just punishment._

Essek bites his lip and turns into a corner. 

_He_ was the one who told the others that they should not mention the beacon to the Queen. _He_ was the one that delivered the original beacons to the Assembly. _He_ was the traitor - yet his friends were the ones kept deep beneath Roshona, in the largest prison within the Dynasty.

Strange how all his actions have led him to _this_. 

The Shadowhand feels no remorse and no guilt for what has happened during the war, there is no questioning in that. People are terrible, family is horrible, the society he lives in relishes in its cutthroat nature, so Essek does not want to give any kindness he will never receive back. The boy has never wanted to give, always afraid the demand would never cease until he was but an empty husk, drain of his own wants.

His apathy towards people has worked like a charm for more than 100 years too. It always felt as if this feature was, what actually managed to get him so far - to uncover all these exciting secrets and puzzles.

He huffs at the thought. Oh, how times have changed.

Essek is not sure if he regrets meeting the Nein. They made him realize that he wasn’t truly alive before and Essek is scared and ashamed that he can’t bear the thought of going back. He doesn’t want to regress - always hated it more than anything.

Eventually, his gliding comes to a stop. With a flick of his wrist the last iron door opens. A heavy iron monstrosity held up by ancient stone pillars.

Before him is a large rotund chamber. A dozen cells are built into this room, although they are much smaller than the ones in the upper levels of the Dungeon - designed for individual people rather than groups. Seven of these cells are currently occupied, having the prisoners chained by their wrists to the wall behind them. They are forced to stand, while their ankles are fastened to the ground. 

Essek’s stomach twists at the sight, but he bites back any emotional reaction - he has had a century worth of training in that area after all. The young drow glides forward, chin held up high, the icy facade in place.

Four guards stand before the cells and their stance straightens at his arrival. Three large drow figures and a half orc, all donned in beautiful, black shining chitinous armour. He can see the ornamental engravings in the metal of their chest plates, knows that it is a sign of power and respect among the Echo Knights.

The half orc woman steps forward and nods to Essek.

“Shadowhand,” she greets.

Essek’s gaze briefly flickers behind her, to the prisoners. The Mighty Nein all wear large metallic muzzles that cover the whole lower part of their face - a precaution so the mages can’t cast spells, and also to keep them quiet - but Essek can still see their eyes.

He can see the way Jester stares at him as he arrives, how a muffled cry escapes her, like a pathetic attempt to call his name. Her face looks like she is close to tears, although he doesn’t see any wetness on her cheeks. Her tail curls around her ankle protectively, as if her body visibly recoiled from seeing him.

Beauregard is in the cell next to her. Her hands strain against the chains, as she keeps clenching and unclenching her fists at the sight of him. The skin around her left eye is purple and swollen. Essek would laugh if the situation wasn’t so dire. O _f course_ Beau would try and fight the highest ranking Echo Knights in the Dungeon. Her gaze is hard though, and he can see the way she is trying to calm her breathing through the anger she feels at the sight of him. She was always the smartest of the bunch, he thinks bitterly.

His eyes dart to the next cell, to the half-orc. Fjord’s face is more or less relaxed, though his eyebrows are furrowed. His body looks surprisingly slack, having made peace with the fact that thrashing around will lead nowhere. It is impossible to not see the deep-rooted sadness in his eyes though, the way he studies Essek in disappointment.

Yasha’s gaze is cold and _wild_. Essek can see her hands strain against the chains, can see the way the muscles in her arms bulge. Her whole body looks like she could rip out the chains from the walls, were it not for the arcane magic flowing through the metal.

Caduceus’ expression is grim. His floppy ears hang, but at his approach they suddenly perk up slightly, listening intently. The firbolg’s gaze is searching, like always. Even though his body isn’t heavily built, the manacles around his wrist are heavy, made for orcs. His thin bony wrists must be hurting from the heavy chains, Essek thinks, but the other ones were probably too small.

Next to him, Veth tries to thrash about - her knee attempts to jerk up, although obviously without success. He can hear her growl like an animal, and she is shaking whatever part of her that isn’t held down. The chains rattle horribly, it is quite a strange sight considering her halfling form and he wonders briefly, how much of her personality really was just herself and not just the goblin she used to be.

And then there is Caleb. Essek feels a knot in his throat. The blue eyes don’t widen as he sees him, instead Caleb shuts them suddenly. Essek can see the wrinkles on his forehead, the way his nose scrunches up, the way his whole body tenses and his brows frown, as if he were close to tears. No tears fall down though, instead he breathes in. Once. Twice. Thrice. Then he blinks at Essek again. He looks defeated.

 _They think I betrayed them again_ , Essek thinks bitterly. It is almost funny, how little the Nein think of him. But it was deserved, wasn't it?

He forces himself to give them all a heartless smirk. Eventually Essek nods to the half orc.

“Captain,” he says, hiding the anxiety in his voice perfectly. “I see you did good work down here. The traitors have been in your care for how long now?”

At the word ‘traitors’ he can hear Beau snort in her cell loudly. He ignores it, a sly smile on his lips.

“About two and half days, sir. The execution is due in two days,” she tilts her head. “The Queen informed me there is no need for further interrogation, is there a reason for your visit today?”

At that, the Mighty Nein perk up.

Essek fake-laughs and puts his hands into his sleeves. 

“As their… Previous steward and as the _Shadowhand_ , it is my responsibility to see that these prisoners are held up to our highest security standards.” He motions towards all of them half-heartedly. “You seem to have done a marvelous job though. Good.”

Veth’s chains start to rattle again in the background, though they pay her no mind. Instead - still with his hands hidden inside the large sleeves - Essek starts to palm at one of his arms. His fingers touch the component pouch he strapped on his forearm earlier. He hums.

“I take it they will be brought to the Wastes tomorrow then?”

“Yes. The Queen wishes only the highest den members to take part in the execution, so preparations must be set before then.”

Absently, Essek’s fingers dip into the pouch and he drags out a _dried-up snake’s tongue_ , as well as a tiny shred of _honeycomb_. In a very slow motion, that merely looks like a shift in his stance, the components fall into his hand.

“Marvelous. That is all I wanted to know. _Vok ulu uns'aa --_ ,” as the words in Undercommon fall from his lips, all four guards suddenly go rigid.

Essek’s hands emerge from his sleeves - his left sways beautifully in the air as he draws a glyph, all the while rubbing the honeycomb and snake’s tongue together between his index finger and thumb with the other. The components fizzle out in a blue flame, a hissing sound echoing in the chamber as the interior lights up briefly. Suddenly, Essek’s voice grows dark. 

“ _Leave the Dungeon from the south gate, make sure nobody sees you. I assign you all to Verin Thelyss, stationed at Bazzoxan to help the Aurora Watch. Immediately._ ”

The guards salute as soon as the words have left his mouth, their eyes glazed over. In unison they start marching out of the chamber. 

The heavy obsidian door shuts with a heavy impact and Essek immediately turns back to the Nein. He throws both his hands into the air, the sleeves flutter and he whispers a handful of arcane words. The metal muzzles and cuffs hiss for a mere second, before they suddenly unclap from each of the Nein and fall to the ground with a heavy _thunk_.

“Essek--” “What-” “Fuck, I thought you--!” For a moment there is chaos among the Nein, before Essek suddenly gestures for them to quieten down. With another wave of his hand the iron cell doors creak open.

“We have no time. You have to follow me. Quickly.”

Swiftly, he glides out of the chamber, followed by the group. They dart from corridor to corridor, Essek feels his heart hammering in his chest. 

“I knew you’d come for us Essek,” Jester half-whispers, half shouts as they navigate through the maze of the Dungeon. She looks over her shoulder what seems like the tenth time, afraid someone might follow them. 

“I knew you wouldn’t leave us behind,” she finally manages as they stop briefly to catch their breaths and scan their surroundings.

The drow takes in a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding and judging by the faces the others make, his mask must have broken for a second, revealing the anxiety and worry he was trying to hide so desperately. Their expressions soften - even Beau's and Veth's. Yasha reluctantly puts a hand on his shoulder. It is a heavy and warm feeling, almost like a weighted blanket and he wants to lean into the touch.

Before she manages to say anything though, a sound erupts from above them. _The upper Level_ , Essek realizes. It is a commotion, they hear voices, shouts, footsteps.

Five? Ten? No, probably a dozen people. Maybe more. There is a moment of confusion, before Essek’s eyes go wide. 

“They noticed. It doesn’t make sense. I made sure that--”, he takes in a sharp breath.

The manacles. 

They must have been enchanted with another spell, done so without his knowledge. The moment they unclasped it must have triggered some kind of alarm. He is such an idiot.

Essek’s panic must be apparent, as Beau curses under her breath. They don’t even have any of their armor or weapons, beside maybe Fjord who could summon his sword at will. There was no way they could fight their way through and they needed to leave as fast as possible. 

Essek gathers himself quickly and puts his hand on the nearest person next to him and pushes. “Go. Go! I know a way out.”

As they rush forward with Essek at their helm, they can hear the footsteps louder and louder now. Shouts echo through the dark stone corridors and Essek feels a familiar feeling surge through him. The same fear he felt three years ago, as he stole the Beacons for the Assembly.

Essek is panting now. 

“There is a secret passage here in the Dungeon. It leads into a tunnel past an underground river. It was used after the Calamity and leads outside of the city, into the Wastes,” He turns into a corridor and opens one of the doors with a flick of magic. As it closes again, Veth takes out what looks like a golden dagger and locks the door somehow. Essek does not question it, but he knows it will not last for long, but maybe _long enough_.

“It is impossible to use teleportation magic down here, so you will have to follow the river,” As everybody turns to look at him, he reaches into his cloak and takes out a bundle of keys. They are old and rusty and look too large for his thin fingers. The largest of the bunch - an ancient, very ornamental-looking obsidian key, he makes sure to specifically show to the whole group. “There will be a large door at the end of the tunnel. It is locked. You will have to be fast-”

He shoves the bundle into Caleb’s hands. Jester suddenly grabs him by his sleeve.

“Wait. Essek why are you saying this? You are coming with us, aren’t you?”

Everybody is quiet and stares. Essek feels a lump in his throat, sees the way Jester’s face twists into disbelief. He looks to Caleb, sees the deep frown that turns into the most sorrowful expression he’s ever seen the man make, and swallows. 

As softly as he can manage, he answers.

“I need to buy you a little bit of time.”

The moment seems to stretch and stretch. Jester’s hand disappears from his shoulder and she gasps, shaking her head frantically - as realization hits. Suddenly he is grabbed by his shoulder and is face to face with Caleb.

“Essek--”

“The tunnel will break off into three parts, you need to take the north route--,” Essek ignores Caleb and instead keeps giving instructions to the Nein. He knows the wizard will remember it all perfectly with his keen mind, but he cannot bring himself to look at him throughout all of this. Instead he turns his face to look into the general direction of the group. Caleb’s grip tightens suddenly.

“Essek. Essek, please look at me…” Caleb’s voice is soft, and Essek feels his heart shatter into a million pieces.

So he looks. Looks into those blue eyes, sees the wetness that creeps into them and it makes him feel guilty. Guilty that he is the reason Caleb feels this way right now.

“... What are you doing, friend...?” The redhead sounds desperate and tired and Essek wants to curl up and cry. “You don't have to do this. Essek, _bitte_...”

Behind them, they suddenly hear a loud smash against the door, followed by shouts. Then again. And again.

Essek tries to keep calm, tries not to hyperventilate. He looks up at Caleb, realizing he must have dropped his levitation spell during the panic at some point. He shakes his head.

“I will keep them from you as long as possible,” Slowly, Essek reaches up and puts his palm on Caleb’s cheek, ever so softly. 

His skin is warm under his touch and something in Caleb’s gaze changes. Selfishly he regrets this, how this is the first and last time he will ever be this close to Caleb. How he wishes there was an _after_.

“This is the only good thing I will ever do, Caleb. Please trust me. Just this once.” Essek wants to say more, but he doesn’t. Cannot bear the thought of hurting Caleb even more, so his hand draws back. 

“No, Essek--”, Caleb starts again, but the drow puts his hand on Caleb’s chest, his voice so quiet only Caleb hears it.

“It was always just a matter of time,” He brings himself to smile at Caleb, though there is no happiness in his face. He leans in slightly. “I’ve made peace with it a long time ago. It’s okay.” 

Caleb pushes against the hand. His expression _pained_ , as if Essek just stabbed him right there. 

"We'll come back for you," the words come out rough and low, like on the day Essek revealed all of his sins, when he opened his whole heart for them to pick apart on the ship. Quieter now, in Zemnian he whispers. " _Ich will dich nicht verlieren_."

Essek _pushes_ at Caleb’s chest this time, almost making him stumble backwards. 

“Go,” His voice grows louder, though he can hear himself crack. “GO! Damnit, Just LEAVE already!”

The Nein look defeated. Essek can’t remember the last time they all looked so lost. Beauregard grabs Caleb by the shoulder, and drags him back to the tunnel where the others are now rushing into. They all run, leaving Essek behind them.

He can see Caleb look over his shoulder one last time, before they finally vanish into the darkness.

Essek is alone. 

He stands there, as the pounding on the door gets louder, looking into the distance with a haunted gaze. As he hears the door starting to give in, as he hears magic fizzle through its cracks ( _not just Echo Knights then_ , he notes), he finally turns around slowly. 

The dunamantic magic under his fingertips flares up, as he takes in a deep breath. His heart aches. This was the right thing to do, he thinks. 

Sooner or later, the Dynasty would have killed him anyway, whether for his treachery with the beacons or his commitment to the Nein. 

Essek swears to himself not to cry, despite knowing there is no going back. 

He will never hear Jester’s bubbly messages again, that used to brighten his darkest moments alone in his towers. 

Never see Beauregard roll her eyes again, as he and Caleb delve into their esoteric conversations while she pretends not to pay attention. 

Never hear Fjord’s cheeky tries at Persuasion, to gather intel about things they should definitely stay out of. 

Never smell the freshly brewed herbal tea from Caduceus, as he shares his never-ending wisdom in times of dread. 

Never see Veth’s ridiculous attempts at brewing new potions, that mostly end up in explosions and chaos. 

Never feel Yasha’s ominous but still protective presence at their side, knowing she would tear the world apart for each one of them, again and again.

He will never look into Caleb’s blue eyes again and feel that funny fluttery feeling in his belly, will never startle as their fingers accidently touch during their lessons, and never feel the aching in his soul again whenever Caleb dares to give him one of his rare smiles that scrunch up the corners of his eyes.

Essek will never feel the warmth again, as the group welcomes him into their home.

The door breaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Undercommon:  
> Vok ulu uns'aa - Listen to me
> 
> Zemnian/German:  
> "Verloren und gefunden" - "Lost and Found"  
> Bitte - please  
> Ich will dich nicht verlieren - I don't want to lose you


	2. Finden

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please mind the tags! The rating was raised due to some graphic descriptions.
> 
> Spoilers for the Explorer’s Guide to Wildemount again, same reason as last chapter.
> 
> Also MAJOR spoilers from the Fireside Chat regarding Essek. So don’t read if you didn’t watch that stuff.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

Essek’s broken body lies motionlessly in Yussa’s tower. They laid him there on soft white blankets, a few candles around him flickering in the dark room. Yussa wasn’t present, didn’t want to intrude on such a personal scene and let them stay with their friend in peace.

In silence, the body is flanked by the Mighty Nein on all sides, wordlessly kneeling next to him. It is a familiar feeling, Caleb thinks. To see a friend lying on the ground, looking up, yet drained of all life. Fjord had tried to shut Essek’s eyelids, as custom for the dead, but he had been gone for too long. The body had already set into rigor mortis, his skin was cold to the touch. 

Essek was dead.

His pale glassy eyes looked so lost, he didn’t look at peace at all.

Jester reaches out and gently tucks some of the stray locks from Essek’s face. It is a simple, yet loving gesture that makes Caleb’s eyes sting. 

She sniffs. “You can’t just leave like that, you know,” her voice sounds small. “You still owe me some pastries, dummy.”

Caleb can see Fjord shift next to him, rubbing his eyes but not making any noise. Veth sits on the other side, her face twisted in regret, in guilt. Her thick little fingers dig into Essek’s mantle, neatly folded in her lap. Beau kneels next her, both her hands planted firmly on the ground, her gaze turned towards the floor. Her eyes are shut, her brows are furrowed. Caleb isn’t sure what she is thinking about, but her silence makes this all feel heavier. On the other side, Yasha slowly leans in. Her thumb drags along Essek’s cheek, gently rubbing away a smudge of dirt. Caduceus kneels next to her, his hands folded on his lap, eyes closed, praying to the Wildmother.

Beau’s voice breaks the silence, as she slowly looks up, blinking at the body.

“You know, back at the Peace Talks I thought this is maybe what he deserves,” there is a sadness in her voice, that Caleb can’t pinpoint.

“One life for thousand others” She leans back, rubbing her arm absently. “But… This feels wrong. It’s pointless. It doesn’t feel right. He shouldn’t have died like that.”

She stops and shakes her head. A moment passes. “I’m sorry Essek… I’m sorry man...”

_After wandering around the wastes for a day, planning and planning, the Mighty Nein return to Rosohna - disguised and not looking like themselves in any way. Trying to find out what happened to Essek turns out much more difficult than anticipated. Jester already sends several messages, yet none are answered._

_“He always answers them,” She says, biting her lip. “This is bad. This really bad, you guys…”_

_Eventually, although it feels like it takes them far too long, they find out about a trial due in two days. A person of “high rank” is to be judged by the Bright Queen herself. There is no question - it’s Essek._

_Getting into Dungeon again is impossible, they soon accept. The only way getting their friend out is to sneak into the courtroom during the trial, perhaps they could get Essek out of there somehow. Maybe they could ambush the guards after? Wreck chaos like always and teleport away? It was all messy, risky and quick planning that makes Caleb feel terribly inefficient. It makese him want to bury his nails into his forearms and scream._

_They do get into the courtroom however, two days later._

_“It’s too many people,” Beauregard whispers into the wizard’s ear as they stand in the crowd, disguised as drow. “Caleb, I don’t know how we will make it.”_

_The Queen and several other figures sit on their thrones, as Essek is brought into the center. Caleb’s answer dies in his throat.._

_He could see the way Essek’s limp, broken legs dragged across the floor as the guards pulled him to the center. His face beaten, darker shades than usual and swollen so much, one eye was barely visible._

_Thick iron manacles bound his wrists together, so heavy his arms were just hanging with the weight. Caleb’s breath hitches as he notices the way Essek’s fingers were bent at impossible angles, the way their tips were red with dried blood. The guards shove him down on his knees, and Essek’s faint groan and the rattling of the chains echo through the chamber._

_The room is silent._

_A drow figure steps from somewhere, taking out a scroll. Caleb can’t really pay attention to anything but Essek’s cowering form._

_“We hereby start the trial,” the voice announces._

_“Essek of Den Thelyss, son of our Umavi Deirta of Den Thelyss, is hereby accused of crimes against the Dynasty, its people and the Luxon.” The room breaks into hushed whispers._

_“In the order of severity his crimes are as follows:_

_Guilty for lying about the state of his consecution for over 20 years, thus having been unqualified for the role as the Shadowhand and as such being a false member of the court in the process. Essek has confessed his lack of belief in the Luxon.”_

_Caleb hears people gasping around him. Next to him, Beau squeezes his arm. Her face twists into confusion, though her gaze is fixed on Essek. “...Wait, what?”_

_Slowly, the Bright Queen raises her staff and slams it into the ground. The room falls silent._

_“Guilty.” She says, her expression cold._

_The figure continues._

_“Guilty for providing help and safe passage to mercenaries from the Empire. Essek has confessed to helping them hide the existence of a third Beacon from our Queen and thus acting against the religious right of our people. He has helped the escape of said mercenaries from the Dungeon of Penance, misusing his position for sacrilegious means.”_

_The queen slams her staff into the ground again. Her voice louder, as her it drags though the hall like thunder._

_“Guilty.”_

_“And last, and most severe: Guilty for stealing two beacons from our nation and trading them away to the Empire, while using his position as Shadowhand to destroy documents about its location internally.”_

_The crowd loses their temper almost immediately. People are shouting, both in common and undercommon and Caleb feels his anxiety spike. It becomes hard to breathe._

_“Traitor!” they shout. ”You betrayed us!” “Scum!” “Conniving snake!” ”Kill him!”_

_Nausea washes over Caleb, he feels like his head is underwater._

_Standing up suddenly, the Bright Queen looms over the hall as the crowd quietens down once more. She looks down on Essek, her head raised. The moment stretches._

_“Do you confess, Essek?”_

_Essek looks up, Caleb can’t see his expression anymore. His head hurts._

_“I confess.”_

_The room spins, Caleb can feel the way Beau’s grip tightens around his arm._

_The staff slams into the ground one last time. The Queen’s eyes close and even from this distance, her jaw visibly clenches._

_“I hereby declare Essek, cleared of all den names, cleared of all positions,--” she opens her eyes once more, revealing a cold, emotionless stare. ”-- guilty for acting against the Luxon and its people.”_

_“He is to be executed for treason. No transportation to the wastes is necessary as… He denied our holy light. All records of this man shall be cleared, all of his belongings burned. He shall be pierced by twelve arrows in reverence to the holy Light and be hanged outside the city for the vultures to take apart.”_

  
  
  


There is rustling in Yussa’s room and Jester takes out a beautiful sparkling diamond. She holds it with both hands, pulls it close her chest and looks at the others. “Are we ready?”

Everybody nods in unison. 

Her hands grip the diamond tightly and she places it on Essek’s chest, where the blood has completely soaked and dried through his clothes.

A bright green light glows around her palm, pouring around the little jewel and she puts her palm flatly on his chest. Reluctantly, she takes in a deep breath.

“I know you loved us,” Jester’s lip wobbles as she holds back tears. “I know you were alone. I can tell, I was alone too.”

“But you don’t have to be. We can be with you, Essek. We can be your family and we can help you do better. You are my friend,” Jester sniffs. “I want my friends to be happy. I want you to know you’re not alone. I want you to know that we will protect you. You gotta come back, please”, she looks over her shoulder briefly. A tray set on the ground a bit away from them, eight beautiful colorful pastries on top of it. The tiefling girl looks back and chokes back tears.

“I even made you cupcakes, Essek.”

Next to her, Beau puts a hand on her back. Jester calms down a little, leans a bit into her touch. “Shhh it’s okay, Jessie. I’ll try now…” 

The monk kneels closer to the body, bites her lip and looks thoughtful for a moment. The air in the room is heavy.

“Before Molly died, he said that we should leave things better than we found them. I think we messed up, somewhere along the way.”

At that Veth looks down, her expression sad. 

Beau continues. “We didn't really leave you better, we left you miserable. And dead. It’s not fair, after all the times you’ve helped us. After you became our friend… I am sorry. I want to make this right, I want you to get a chance.” She takes off her jade gauge earrings, weighs them in her hand. 

“Jade is supposed to protect you. Keeps the wearer from harm and brings harmony, or something like that, dunno... If you come back, I want you to have these,” she laughs bitterly, places them on his chest next to the diamond. 

“Maybe it’ll remind me to be nicer to you too. Come back, okay?” Slowly, she puts her own hand atop Jester’s. They both turn, looking at Caleb.

  
  


_Essek hangs limply from Yasha’s shoulder. They are all panting and running, trying to get as far from the city walls as possible. An arrow flies past Caduceus and Fjord turns briefly to throw a few Eldritch Blasts behind them._

_As fast as Caleb can manage without stumbling, he shoves his hand into his component pouch. The piece of chalk almost slips through his sweaty fingers twice. Keeping it tight in his clutch, his eyes dart around them, desperately trying to find some kind of hard surface, some kind of rock or hard ground._

_He turns to Yasha and can’t help but look at the body over her shoulder._

_Essek’s eyes are open and glassy, his face bruised in the most terrible ways. It almost looks like he is looking right at Caleb, except there is nothing in his gaze._

_He looks so lost, Caleb thinks, clenching his jaw. His limp head keeps bobbing from side to side as Yasha runs, it looks so morbid._

_Yasha ripped out the arrows from Essek’s chest, after they ambushed the soldiers who were dragging his body outside the city. He was already dead for hours, Caduceus had said, and Yasha had to somehow throw him over her shoulder without hurting herself. One of the arrows was stuck right in Essek’s throat. You could still see the dried blood, the way it painted his lower lip and chin dark red._

_It must have been like a waterfall, dribbling out from his mouth, down onto his body until it soaked his whole shirt. Caleb turned away when Caduceus pulled out that arrow, he didn’t want to see the damage in Essek’s throat. Veth squeezed his hand then._

_“You don’t need to see that,” she whispered softly, as she rubbed circles into his palm._  
  


Caleb approaches the body slowly. His knees touch the floor, he can feel the way his hands are starting to shake.

For a while he can’t say anything, just looks at Essek’s pale, hollow face. They cleaned him up, as best they could, but the bruises are still there. His eye was still swollen, the brow split, the nose broken. There are burn marks peeking from beneath his shirt, as if someone pressed hot iron into his skin over and over. It makes Caleb feel sick.

His eyes finally tear from his bruised form, he takes in a shaky breath.

“I think I am a terrible person, Essek. I did bad things for the Empire - horrifying things - even before Trent made me kill my parents. I feel like my past haunts me everyday, but… But being around these people, my friends, it makes it easier to bear it. These people have shown me that I can do good. _You_ can do good, too. I know it. It’s hard, but we’ll be there for you, this time. We can help you out of this dark place. We…” 

He pauses.

“I don’t want to lose you. Not after everything that’s happened... You are very important to me Essek. There is still so much I want to ask you, talk with you about, show you, I… I don’t want to think that we’ll never see you again. I want you to be part of this crazy family too. I want us to do good things _together_.”

Reaching into his collar, Caleb pulls out his amulet and takes it off. Right next to the Jade earrings, he puts the necklace. 

Quietly he adds, in Zemnian. “ _Ich möchte so sehr dein Lächeln wiedersehen._ ”

Finally, very slowly, he leans forward. Essek’s body is _cold_ , Caleb thinks, as he presses a tender kiss on his forehead.

“This can be your second chance, Essek. You _real_ second chance, to start over… With us.”

Caleb pulls back, his eyes sting and he feels a lump on his throat. Carefully he places his hand atop Beau’s now. All three just sit there for a moment, hands touching. They nod to each other and Jester closes her eyes.

“Traveler,” she begins. “Please. Please bring Essek back. Don’t leave him alone like that. We miss him so, _so_ much...”

The light around her palm fades, pours into Essek’s chest. Briefly, the whole room lights up in bright green. At that, the diamond _shatters_ , the thousand tiny shards of dust glitter around Essek’s chest, floating like little stars in the air. And then they vanish, just as quickly.

The room grows dark again.

Caleb feels himself turning away. He doesn't know why he’s doing it, but he is clutching at Beau’s hand as tightly as he can manage. He doesn’t want to look. Doesn’t want to see if the ritual has failed.

Essek will never wake up. Never again will he see the life in the drow’s eyes sparkle, as they discuss magic, he will never--

“Caleb,” Caduceus says suddenly, and Caleb startles.

The firbolg leans into his space. A large hand cups his cheek, and he gently turns Caleb’s head back to the body.

Essek is blinking at him.

The injuries on his face, his throat. They are gone. His pale eyes blink a few more times, as if to adjust.

Ever so slowly, his throat moves with a gulp and with the smallest, most croaky voice, he says:

“H-hello.”

Immediately everybody is around him. Beau laughs and rubs her eyes, Jester’s arms immediately wrap around Essek, the others touch his shoulder, hand, face, it's all pure chaos.

“Good to have you back.” 

“We were so worried!”

They all talk over each other, high on their happiness and relief.

But Essek is not smiling. As Jester squeezes him in her embrace, he looks lost, confused. His eyes lock with Caleb, who is still kneeling still like a statue, not quite believing what just happened.

It's too overwhelming, his eyes are darting around. And then it dawns on him. He stammers.

“You… You brought me back?…No.. W-why..” As soon as the words leave his lips, the others start to peel themselves off from him.

Essek tries to heave himself into a sitting position, his arms shaking from exhaustion. His thin body looks small without the cloak.

“W-Why… Why did you waste such a spell on a person like _me_?” Shaking his head he just looks confused, depressed. To his side Jester immediately scoots over, takes both his hands in hers. She looks upset and it makes Essek avert his eyes in shame. 

“Essek,” she sniffs, seemingly still emotional about this whole situation. “You aren’t a _waste_.” 

“No, you don’t understand,” he pulls his hands away from her roughly, probably too roughly, and makes a frustrated, broken noise.

“It was my punishment! I confessed. I confessed _everything_ , I lost _everything,_ I--” Quickly he covers his eyes with his hand. His chin trembles.

“-- I was ready to _leave_. Why would you do this, I don’t understand... You all wanted me to pay for it too, didn’t you? So why..?”

His voice becomes more ragged with each word, until it just dissolves into a quiet sob. His whole body _shudders_ , and the shoulders start to shake with each small hiccup.

Caleb feels himself finally move. Tenderly, he starts to pull at Essek arm, so that he could look into his eyes once more. Essek gives in quickly.

His eyes are red. Heavy teardrops fall down his cheeks, like melting ice on a roof in spring. It’s the ugly snotty kind, the one that nobody would ever want the world to see, least of all someone like Essek. Caleb never thought he’d see him like this. His heart aches so terribly. 

The drow sniffles desperately and his eyes dart away, avoiding his piercing gaze.

Everybody is quiet, so Caleb fills the silence.

“You don’t deserve death.”

Essek huffs at that, shaking his head, but Caleb stops him, puts his palm against Essek’s cheek and turns his face to him gently.

“You want to know why? Because you are our friend, Essek. You are family. We don’t leave family behind.” 

Softly he pulls away from Essek, to instead put his arms around him in an embrace. Almost as if on signal, Jester joins in. Then Beau, then Veth, Yasha, Fjord and Caduceus. It’s a very colorful cuddle pile, with a little overwhelmed, sniffling drow in the centre.

“We love you, Essek,” Jester says and her words are warm. The feeling that surges through Essek is almost too much to bear, it is tender and kind and so much _more_ than anything he has ever experienced from his own den, his family, his mother...

How could he deserve any of this? But the Mighty Nein do not give him time to adjust or ponder, as they all break into chaos again to ruffle his hair, to speak over each other.

"You are part of this sorry family now.”

“Yeah! Nothing you can do about it! No take backs!”

“Yeah and I’m like, legally allowed to teach you how to walk with swagger now, it’s essential.”

“We should get you a cool new outfit.” 

“Oh! Like with heels?”

“Maybe I could teach you how to cook someday, I’m sure it will take your mind off things.”

“Gosh, we should all bake pastries together!”

Essek chuckles weakly, leaning his head against Caleb’s shoulder.

  
  
  


Long after that, Caleb is still with Essek, though they are now alone. 

They are not sitting on the stone floor in that dark room anymore and instead have relocated to an actual bedroom. Beau and Caduceus helped bring fresh blankets and pillows, and through his ridiculous charm Fjord even managed to persuade Yussa to loan some spare clothes for the drow. A warm cup of herbal tea was steaming on the nightstand next to them, filling the air with a pleasant smell. Right next to it, a plate with two half eaten cupcakes. Meanwhile Frumpkin was also lying right next to Essek, purring against his leg pleasantly.

On the bed, Essek has pulled his knees up to his chest, while Caleb was sitting next to him. The human was reading, just present to make Essek feel a little bit safer in the new environment. Essek seemed to appreciate it though, even in his silence. He pressed his cheek against his knees, just enjoying the moments of peace they had. The jade gauge earrings in his ears flickered in the light, as the fluttering curtains let in the occasional rays of sunshine.

Around his neck, the necklace Caleb had given him.

The silence seems to stretch for a bit, until Essek eventually breaks it.

“My mother disowned me.” 

Caleb sets the book down and looks to Essek. 

“I know...”

“My brother was there too.” 

This comes as a surprise. Caleb didn’t know he had a brother. He should have paid attention to the people present during Essek’s trial, but he had been solely focused on his friend, for obvious reasons.

Essek’s head slowly rises. His eyes still red and puffy from before. It’s a very strange and vulnerable sight, almost surreal to even look at his face and remember how he usually held himself in public. Right now there was no cloak, no Kryn armor, no facade.

“I don’t… I don’t feel any connection to my family, and yet. I don’t know. It is pointless, but when they disowned me, it.. It hurt. _Verin_ cried. I made my little brother cry.” 

Essek shakes his head. “I am awful Caleb. I am an awful, bad person. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t deserve second chances, I don’t think. What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go?” 

Caleb reaches for Essek’s hand. “You stay with us. You help us do good things.” 

“But what if I can’t do good things? What if I don’t care for good things? You know, I meant it when I said I didn’t feel remorse. I really didn’t. I just feel... I just feel empty, all the time.”

Caleb squeezes his hand. 

“Caleb I… I never felt guilty about the war or the beacons. I only felt guilty that I hurt _you_. And it’s not right, I know that. Perhaps something’s wrong with me. I never cared for the people around me, I've never wanted them to know who I am really. None except for you all.

I think I’m broken or - or sick. What I do is bad. What I think is bad. I _know_ it is, but I do it anyway. But there is no way to go back, I can’t fix anything.”

“You don’t need to be perfect. Sometimes just trying is enough.” Caleb’s voice is warm and soft. 

“Just be _Essek_. Essek of the Mighty Nein. You don’t need to be with us forever either, if you don’t want to. But you can stay, for as long as you want, or until you make a decision.”

Essek doesn’t know if he is strong enough to just accept this. He is so used to hurting on his own, all alone, that at some point he just started to believe that the hurt was part of _who he is._

But Caleb sees right through him, with his brilliant blue eyes. It is easy, like looking at a mirror.

“You and I, we might be bad people,” Caleb’s words are soaked in _purpose,_ and it feels like they envelop all of Essek. “But we can try to do better. Together.”

Reluctantly, Essek’s hand turns slowly in Caleb’s grip, intertwining their fingers.

“Can you try that, Essek? For us..?” The redhead scoots a little closer to him, so that both their shoulders are touching.

Essek huffs, a sad smile on his lips. “I was ready to give everything up, just for you.” 

Caleb doesn’t know if he talks about the Mighty Nein still.

They sit like that, shoulder to shoulder, for a while. Not really saying anything. Essek is highly aware of the fact that they are still holding hands. It makes him feel a bit lightheaded, but in a good way. 

Did he deserve this? Did he deserve good things?

Outside, the birds in Nicodranas continue chipring. The curtains flap in the wind, lighting up the room with occasional rays of the setting sunlight. It all feels so different from home, his den, his family. Or at least what used to be his home, den and family… It still stings, still gives him a lump in his throat for some reason.

He sighs and squeezes Caleb’s hand once more. The young drow opens his mouth, his chin quivers.

“Were you there? When they pronounced my crimes?”

“Ja."

Essek rubs at his eyes with the back of his hand, still holding to Caleb with the other.

“You know I’m not actually consecuted then.”

“..Ja.”

They sit in silence.

“I still care about you, Essek,” Caleb whispers.

“...Even after all of my lies?”

“Yes, even after all of your lies.”

Silence.

“May I confess something to you?” Essek asks then.

Caleb shifts, his expression still soft and gentle. “Ja, of course.”

“I died once already. If I die again without telling you… My soul might never find rest, I feel.” The words come out slowly and he almost falters. Every noise around him seems distant, far away, unimportant. Right now there was only this one moment.

Essek takes in a deep breath. Then another. Slowly, he turns towards his friend. There is a familiar sadness in his eyes. 

“I think… I might have fallen in love with you.”

Caleb stares, his eyes go wide. His mouth opens to say something, anything, but no sound comes out.

”I love you more than anything,” Essek elaborates, his voice cracking. “And it terrifies me. I don’t know what to do -- ”

Caleb kisses him. Just leans forward to cup Essek’s face and pulls them to each other. 

He feels the softness of Essek’s plush lips, feels the way he gasps in surprise and opens his mouth. Essek’s arms wrap around him immediately, trapping him in their tight embrace, as if he were afraid Caleb might vanish otherwise. Maybe this was all just a dream? Maybe he was still dead and all this would vanish in a second, making him mourn the loss for all of eternity?

But their kiss deepens. They stay like that for a while, tightly pressed against one another, just kissing, exploring, chasing the feeling of warmth and being close to each other.

Eventually they pull apart, catching their breaths, flushed. Caleb gently drags his thumb across Essek’s cheekbone, drying away a stray tear.

He is delighted to see that Essek’s blush extends even to his ears. From this close distance he also discovers that his cheeks are littered with the tiniest, pale, sparkling freckles. Like twinkling stars in the night. _Meine Sternschnuppe_ , he muses.

Softly, he kisses Essek’s brow. The touch is light, like a snowflake falling onto his skin, and it melts away just as fast. He kisses the tip of his nose, then his cheek, his head tilts to the side and he kisses the edge of Essek’s parted lips. 

As he leans back a little, Essek is looking at him as if he were _everything_ and it makes Caleb’s stomach flutter. He wants to kiss him again, everywhere.

Their foreheads touch again. Like this, they breathe the same air. 

“I think I love you too,” Caleb gasps.

Essek’s mouth stretches into a shy, lopsided smile. The first genuine smile he has given him in a long while, Caleb realizes. It makes his flushed cheeks puffy, his eyes sparkle with tears again and _oh_ , and are those _dimples_ \- before Essek suddenly leans forward to kiss Caleb again. And again. And again. Caleb laughs against those lips, throws both his arms around Essek and just lets both of them fall backwards onto the bed. 

They lie there for a long time, just hugging and whispering sweet nothings to each other.

“I’ll try,” Essek says much later, nuzzling his face against Caleb’s neck. 

“For you, I’ll try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zemnian/German:  
> Ich möchte so sehr dein Lächeln wiedersehen - I want to see your smile again so badly  
> Meine Sternschnuppe - My shooting star


End file.
